In desperate need of relationship advice!

[hareek]

Ok guys I’m in desperate need of some relationship advice. My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 5 ½ years now. I love her. She loves me. However, when people ask me if she’s “the one”, the immediate thought in my head is “I don’t know, what does ‘the one’ mean?” Usually what comes out though is “yeah I guess.” I should mention she’s my first serious relationship, so I don’t have personal experience to compare our situation to. I look around at others we know who are married and they just seem to go right into marriage without hesitation and are completely fine. When I ask the guys how they knew their girl was the one, they’re like “dude, you just know.” Well my problem is I don’t know. I can’t say without a doubt yes or no to whether she’s the one or not. I guess part of me is worried “what if she’s not the one?” and the other part of me is saying “what if she is? I’ll be throwing that away if I break up to find out.” My parents like her, hers like me. We have fun together and similar interests and values. I’ve never been a wild one so I don’t care about adding points to my scoreboard. I just want to be a happy family man, regardless of the amount of flings I’ve had. Recently, her apartment lease renewal has come up and we’re at this crossroads of what we should do. I hate the fact that after this long, it’s hard for me to come to any concrete conclusions. I’m honestly scared out of my mind right now, and I don’t know if this is normal or not, because like I said, this is my only real relationship I have experience with. I don’t know what’s normal or abnormal.

There aren’t any major red flags like trust issues or jealousy, hating the other person’s family or friends. We have our ups and downs like I’m sure any couple does. But since her lease is up, I’ve really tried hard to put this in perspective as we need to make the right changes here. I’m pretty religious and I pray a lot for guidance. I’ve always thought if it’s meant to be it will happen, and if not it won’t. But here we are today, and I’m very lost, confused, scared, and time is running out. I don’t know if I have a case of cold feet and I’m fearing the unknowns of commitment, or if something is seriously wrong. All I know is I’m worrying myself nauseous trying to figure it out. I’m pretty sure I’ve lost another quarter inch on the hairline as well! Anyway, I’m hoping some of you out there might have some guidance that can help point me in the right direction. Has anyone had a similar experience themselves?

As always, thanks in advance for your help guys.

[Redmist]

Having been through several "the Ones", my advice is to enjoy what you've got for as long as it lasts. This could be another 5 years or the rest of your life.
Just keep an open mind about moving on if things go **** up.

Most people who talk about "the One" tend to have had bad relationships and finally find someone who it works with, along with all the chemical addiction linked to human "love".

If you're happy, don't sweat it, nor worry about what anyone else thinks.

[hareek]

Most people who talk about "the One" tend to have had bad relationships and finally find someone who it works with, along with all the chemical addiction linked to human "love".

I guess I never thought of it like that. Makes sense that if girlfriends 1 through 3 were psychos, if the 4th one is normal and it works out, by default you'd consider that "the one." I think the bottom line is I'm scared to make a decision one way or the other because I can't concretely (is that a word) define what is right and wrong. I'm an engineer with a math mind. Everything in life for me has been a calculation leading to results that decide a path for me. And this goes against everything I'm used to. I want that perfect marriage (perfect in the sense that we're happy with a family.... i know it will be tough) and I don't want to get it wrong now and end up destroying her emotions or mine. That's why I'm worrying so much about figuring this out. Logically people say to me to go with what feels right. Well nothing feels right or wrong. I just feel scared and unsure.

[donnievaz]

Just ask yourself this one question. "Can I imagine life without her?" If you can, she's probably not the one.

[lex666]

My advice: take it slow bro. She sounds like a great girl for you. There's no rush. There's no need to feel rushed or pressured into marriage. Take it slow and when the time comes, you'll know it.

If the both of you move in together, I think thats a good idea. Try living with someone first, to be sure you're totally compatible and don't get on each other's nerves. This will also help to re-affirm to you if she's the "one".

Best of luck.

[Redmist]

Put it this way, if you split with her now, you will always wonder "What If?"
Also, 5 odd years is at least a good length of time to know that it might work in the long term.
No-one knows how they or their partner will feel in the future, so there really is no point in feeling insecurity about the unknown.

If you do go for it and it doesn't work, then at least you will have tried and won't have regrets.

People tend to regret more what they didn't do, rather than what they did.



In either case, worry like that is no good for anyone.
Having a family with this woman will probably only strengthen the bond - Biology obviously designed it all this way for a good reason.

[hareek]

My advice: take it slow bro. She sounds like a great girl for you. There's no rush. There's no need to feel rushed or pressured into marriage. Take it slow and when the time comes, you'll know it.

Well that was my philosophy at first. But time is ticking, her lease is up, and she's more ready than ever to tie the knot and makes sure I know that. I agree I don't want to be pressured into it. But I feel like I need to at least figure out for sure if we're meant to be together or not. If we are, you're right there's no need to be pressured to get married right away, but at least we have a concrete direction and goal. Up until now, it's been "take it as it comes." She is a great girl, truly loves me at my worst moments (usually saturday mornings on the toilet) and she doesn't care about material possessions or wealth, just happiness. She's very family oriented. I guess I have that nagging guy feeling of "am I missing out on something else?" It's hard to ignore that, even though like I said I don't care about numerous bedroom escapades. Most people advise me that all good women are the same and the grass is not greener on the other side. What good qualities one may have, will be different than what another has and vice versa. My lack of experience bothers me only in the sense that it makes it hard to figure this out. I think if I had a bad relationship or two or some other personal experience to compare it to, I'd at least have a starting point to a conclusion. But again, that's my methodical engineering mind taking over. I'm starting to think the muslims have it right with arranged marriages. At least you don't have to blame yourself if it sucks! "It's our parent's fault!" Maybe it's much simpler and I'm just over analyzing it.

[Redmist]

I'm just over analyzing it

This is the problem. Keep it up and you won't even see the right thing to do with a clear mind. (My sig is there for a reason.)

[hareek]

So what decision do you have to make... are we talking marriage or just moving in together?

Well my parents are pretty conservative and don't approve of co-habitation unless we're at least engaged. I respect my family and my upbringing and would never go against that. The immediate decision is her living situation, but that's somewhat based on our long term situation. I think right now the plan is for her to move in with her grandmother nearby, put her stuff at my place, until we can get engaged which we're talking about doing in the near future, like the next few months or so. I just feel like 5 1/2 years is long enough to figure this out one way or another and be sure of the decision, and it scares me that I can't. Sometimes I feel sure. Other times I have doubts. It's literally an internal back-and-forth struggle. My dad seems to think what I'm feeling is normal. He and my mom were both pretty scared leading up to the wedding itself. I've always been a little scared of the big decisions in life like choosing a college or a career path. But those pale in comparison to this. I just want to figure it out for sure, and be confident in my decision.

[misterwhizzy]

I won't say I'm an expert, but no one has a perfect marriage. In fact, that's not even the point. The point of marriage is to grow with each other and to become better people together. Of course, kids are part of the mix, but if you don't agree on whether or not you want to have children, you shouldn't even be having this discussion.

Are you a better person as a result of this girl? Is she a better person as a result of your relationship? Are you committed enough to make this work FOREVER? I honestly think you have to look at it this way. And you talk about being a calculating person as negative. That's a positive thing, at least in my marriage. My wife gets emotional about stuff and stops thinking rationally. I try to be the voice of reason and say, "Well, what does this really mean?"

Of course, as soon as I say that, I realize that she was the one for me because of my emotions. But I don't even think that anything beyond, "Does she make me happy?" is necessary. That's the only emotional response I think you need.

Are you being lazy? Are you settling? Are you happy? Will not moving forward break the relationship? What would you change? And again, don't worry about feelings of uncertainty or fear. Answer these questions first, then go with what you're good at, and that's logic.

[hareek]

My wife gets emotional about stuff and stops thinking rationally. I try to be the voice of reason and say, "Well, what does this really mean?"

Interesting. That pretty much sums up how we are. She'll think a problem is the end of the world, and I'm like "hold on let's analyze this" and it usually isn't that bad at all.

Are you being lazy? [yeah a little]

Are you settling? [I don't know. I have "is the grass greener on the other side?" syndrome]

Are you happy? [Yes, but not all the time]

Will not moving forward break the relationship? [yes]

What would you change? [about her? She has some social anxiety so I guess I'd change that so she can be more comfortable around people. But she's strong willed and always conquers the task at hand, even if she's scared or uncomfortable. She fights through it.]

[innerdreamrecords.co]

when people ask me if she’s “the one”

Short answer, there is no such thing as "the one" it's a mistake to think that you have a soul mate out there just for you.

[hareek]

Short answer, there is no such thing as "the one" it's a mistake to think that you have a soul mate out there just for you.

I agree to a certain extent. I don't think there's only one person you're capable of being with. Everyone would have to theoretically be geographically located next to their significant other. What are the chances of all of us being divided up like that? When I get that question I think the one you CAN marry, not the one you're MEANT to marry.

[innerdreamrecords.co]

I agree to a certain extent. I don't think there's only one person you're capable of being with. Everyone would have to theoretically be geographically located next to their significant other. What are the chances of all of us being divided up like that? When I get that question I think the one you CAN marry, not the one you're MEANT to marry.

You need a partner who understands that it takes work and isn't a quitter if marriage is on the table - if one person quits it's over. Along with all the other qualities of course.

[hareek]

You need a partner who understands that it takes work and isn't a quitter if marriage is on the table - if one person quits it's over. Along with all the other qualities of course.

I don't think we're quitters, as we've made it this long. Once we both calm down from a fight, we usually can work it out and see the other person's point of view. But as I look back, I wonder if we didn't quit because we grew together or because we were scared of quitting. Again, maybe I'm thinking about it too much trying to make everything perfect.

[Rowan]

Do NOT do something you're not comfortable with just because it pressured upon you, it is convenient or it is what you are 'supposed to do.'

I hate when I hear people use terms like 'quitter' when it comes to a relationship. Like people should continue to be unhappy and struggle through a relationship just because so much time is invested? I'm not saying you're struggling or unhappy but I'm just saying this:

Don't make a rash, uncertain or uncomfortable decision concerning your life or happiness because the time is right for someone else.

[innerdreamrecords.co]

I think you're 25 and getting married can wait, if that's what this is about. Especially if you were together at a young age and now are starting to question if this is right. A lot of growth happens in those years.

[newking70]

Again, maybe I'm thinking about it too much trying to make everything perfect.

you'll drive yourself crazy doing that.

[innerdreamrecords.co]

I hate when I hear people use terms like 'quitter' when it comes to a relationship.

It's more a comment about the character and make up of the individual and if it's the type of person who won't pack it in at the first sign of trouble.

[misterwhizzy]

I'll give you this advice, because I came from a similar situation. If you decide to get married, be sure you're 100% committed to it. The first six months after we got married, we fought CONSTANTLY. Neither one of us had any doubts about each other, but things were BRUTAL at first.

Now, things are great, and we understand how we handle arguments better, and we understand what things mean to the other better. And it wasn't like we were strangers, either. We had been very, very good friends for ten years before we started dating.