from a girl because you were afraid that exposing her to you was going to ruin the relationship because you feel like s***?
+ were too afraid that if you did that she would get over you/be with someone else?
I'm not sure I understand the question. You don't want to be around her because you are sick, or is it something else?
and you notice all these things that say you feel a different way about her than she does you, and that gets you down, but you can't talk about anything to her because she'll hate that you're talking about it and you'll feel worse for even bringing it up
I was in a situation similar to this. It sucked. And I ****ed it all up pretty badly. And, at the time, it was probably the biggest mistake I'd ever made.
And I'm not clever or wise enough to offer you advice on how to handle it properly because to be honest, I still don't really know how I should have handled it.
All I can say is...good luck?
Every love that made me lose my reasoning. Every chord that made my conscience ache. Every day spent counting hours. Well, none of them comes close to singing back a song inside my head.
I remember calloused hands and paint-stained jeans, and I remember safe-as-houses self-belief.
Too vague man. I know you're probably worried about taking AstroZombie's crown away from him with details about your personal life etc, but I can assure you that he has solidly taken possession of the "I have personal problems, here they all are" throne and you aren't likely to wrest it from his frenzied fingers anytime in the near future. How do you feel about her and how does she feel about you? Why do you feel bad?
The best advice I can give you is just to be yourself. If you have to pretend to be someone different or can't express your true feelings, emotions or whatever is bottled up inside you then the relationship has no chance of working anyhow. These are hard, hard things to see and understand until you have been through them a few times. Unfortunately the pain of these experiences is necessary to grow and find out who you really are and what you really want from another person.
Never, never be afraid to be yourself and express what you feel. If the girl you are with can't accept that then it's better to find out now than farther down the line when you're much more invested in the relationship. Have confidence that you are a good person and most importantly that your feelings are relevant. Be yourself and let the chips fall where they may.
Still sometimes I want to reach out and see what other perspectives on the situation might be, but mostly just expecting to get nothing back and just relieve some pressure.
To be honest, I'm not sure about any of those questions. That's a big part of the problem. I'm not sure what I'm deluded about, I don't know how to separate reality from perceptual reality, I guess?
Communication with her would help me try to get a grip on what's happening, but I also have the problem of not being able to take things at face value, some sort of distrust of people, yeah - but also the fact that I consider it a burden to put on someone to be able to accurately judge and communicate their inner feelings and thoughts.
I tend to look for other signals, which unfortunately, when there are no strict guides of what is possible or not, can lead to paranoiac tendencies, "false positives", hallucinating, seeing something when it's not there I guess.
I'm not sure why I feel bad, my worldview is pretty bleak and is enough to make me want to die sometimes, but I thought I'd sort of worked through that months ago and adjusted. I was looking forward, feeling good.
Maybe my current living situation has something to do with it? I seem to be socioeconomically disposed to negative feelings at the moment?
I am unemployed in the most stressful city in the country (according to the recent forbes list, anyway), flat broke being thankful I'm not in debt, going through divorce, have a 3 year old to care for, no friends to speak of, no support structure, malnourished, my health could be worse but it's not the best, getting worse as I can't afford medical care, scary in itself.
I really care about this girl, I have known her for years and I feel I am pretty heavily invested in her, but she is also not in the best of spots all of a sudden, she's about to be homeless, had her credit ruined and debt piled on, a couple recent family deaths, and battles anxiety and depression herself as well as past physical/emotional/mental trauma and chronic pain.
I'm not the kind of person with very good...what you might call coping mechanisms?
I am extremely self-critical, realistic, atheistic, disillusioned...I'm one of those guys who "thinks too much" and I pay attention to the things that most sensible people try to avoid thinking about, because I think it's important for some reason? I feel like I'm being realistic/truthful with myself?
I think I have been depressed for my whole life as long as I can remember, but recently I've been going through another spell of it.
Not depressed like when you are in a sad mood but this irritating cloud that feels like a handicap. I can't focus, can't attach to anything in a positive way, nothing seems to interest me or improve my mood, it can't be reasoned with, I don't know what it would take to snap out of it.
My advice to myself is something like "man up" or "grow a pair", but I'm not even sure how to apply that exactly haha
I realize I have not answered any of these questions really, I'm just vomiting, I'm sorry.
I don't even know how to grasp a concept of self, I have philosophical questions about what identity actually is and how to apply it. I can't say I grant much weight to feelings, but when I get involved in a romantic relationship, obviously there is emotional involvement, and I feel sensations quite strongly. I could easily see myself going overboard with it, especially since I think I should involve emotion as minimally and controlled as possible in everything I do.
I have similar questions about how to identify what you feel, where that comes from and what the worth of it is, and I certainly can't attach transient emotions to my identity and say "I feel this, this is who I am".
I ALSO have questions about what a good person is, moral ambiguity abounds in my perspective. Self-worth even outside of that territory is nothing to speak of, again due to my worldview, I can't value myself very highly when I consider how small I am. Just as a human being, my worth is quite low in my eyes. As I stated, there's no income, no production or accomplishment anyone would care to value, I seem to receive negative reinforcement of my unwelcome status in nearly every aspect of my life.
I think this is good advice, I just don't know what to do with it.
I understand completely the feelings of self doubt, feeling worthlessness and like nothing you say or do makes any difference in the world. They are not easy issues to work through alone. I've battled depression and anxiety for a while now and still have good and bad days.
You seem to have a lot of things to work through and it's not really something that you can do yourself. Trying to diagnose an emotional issues with a brain that is having emotional issues is impossible. The best advice I can offer on that front is to try and find a professional to talk to....someone who has experience and can help you start sorting out some of the things running through your mind. I know you don't have money for medical expenses, but there are state run programs that you should be able to take advantage of and get into see a therapist somehow.
It took me a long time and a lot of family support and encouragement to finally go see a therapist.....but it really did help me sort out some issues. I also got on some medication that really helped. There are some medications that can be prescribed to you that you can get at Walmart or Walgreens for $4 a month.....that could really help to.
I'm no expert and am not qualified to help in any way, but having been through some similar things I can just offer what worked for me. If you ever just need to talk or vent, shoot me a pm and we'll work something out.
After that I kept looking on my own.
Just was looking for someone I could feel was intelligent and educated that I could trust enough to talk to and criticize me, tell me what I could change, point things out to me, call me out on my bull****. Went through several ER's, psychiatrists, psychologists, neurologists, finally found someone that would talk to me. I wanted to try that out before I tried any long-term medications.
However, I did go to the ER right before this period because I was having some stress-induced cardiomyopathy, essentially the left side of my heart weakened and was ballooning..something they call broken-heart syndrome?
They gave me a Lorazepam prescription for anti-anxiety, I still have a couple left, they've worked well when I want a little help keeping myself together.
Anyway, I went to this therapist for a while but didn't know what to talk about...she didn't seem to understand what my problems were or relate to the questions I was asking myself, didn't have answers for the questions I was asking her. I ended up being the one to let her know about all these new discoveries in neurology.
It was hard to communicate and for me to trust her advice given that we had opposing views on fundamental, even axiomatic issues about biology, the universe in general and how it works. It started to get awkward and I wasn't getting anywhere.
Eventually I got a girlfriend and stopped going.
Now I just feel like the rain on her parade.
Now I can offer one tidbit that may be of some help. One thing I can advise is exercise out in the sunshine really helps with depression just a bit. If it is possible, wrangle that 3 year old into some sort of a buggy and take the kid with you while you work out. Sunlight is free and it does help just a little all by itself without the exercise, but doing both at the same time will really help clear your mind and it will definitely improve your general state of mind.
Take your lady friend aside and explain that you've been feeling really seriously depressed lately and you're afraid that your toxic state of mind will harm your relationship with her. She will at least appreciate the fact that you care enough about her and the relationship to let her know what's up and hopefully you two can work something out. She goes forward knowing that it could be a bumpy ride and you two will have to work out a plan on how to best proceed. Don't be afraid to just tell her that your kind of a wreck right now and there may come a time on the really bad days that it would be better for her to stay away from you and let you work through this stuff.
That's about all I know to say and I know it isn't much. Give it a shot if you can though.
No but then again I have always had a solid sense of self esteem and an avergae sized pecker that I knew how to use - so I was all about exposing myself to her as often as possible.
Any chic I was REALLY into, never wanted to take a break from other than a week and only then because I had something else to do that didn't involve her (skiing, biking, music, etc...) And that did not at all mean someone else to do.
Yep, I have figured out that trick but it is definitely not working at all at this point. Just outside with him yesterday taking a walk and having him in the pool. I've got sunburn all over from park days. I get the fuzzy feelings from watching him but it doesn't crack the big cloud.
From before we got together, I knew it was going to be difficult, I knew I was going to ask a lot emotionally, wouldn't be able to give a lot of things, that I was distrusting and skeptical, I knew I had insecurities blahblah. I was on top of it but I was cautious enough to warn her. Of course none of that mattered, she loved me and wanted to be with me through everything.
Once I moved her out here, whatever expectations I built up about it began to show their weakness. I somehow got the picture in my head that she wanted me to be a dominant force in the relationship, and it was what I needed most due to the issues I was having with being taken advantage of, unappreciated, and the lack of control.
She stopped putting forth effort to see me or do things for me, saying she would do something and then forget about it and leave me hanging.
I thought we'd have this nice opportunity to have this sort of honeymoon period where we only wanted to be with each other and no one else, which i felt like for the first time in my life. That didn't sink in I think and that whole idea got torn apart.
Ended up finding about a bunch of things that really bothered me, inconsistencies in things she told me that I chose to believe, then felt foolish and angry.
Hard to have someone tell you you're everything to them, you're all they need, then get upset because they can't hang out with their friends.
On her visits before, she'd stay up late listening to me and having conversations, saying she loves hearing me talk, but since she's been here she hasn't wanted to hear it anymore, she shuts down, gets defensive, overreacts and blames me all the while missing the point and thus the issue never gets resolved. Just like if you were hungry and never fed yourself, it comes back up again and then it's worse, the same thing happens and she just can't take it happening every day, still not resolved.
Still hungry each day, it doesn't go away because you mentioned you were hungry.
I don't know what to do
Sounds like you are literally suffering man. I wish I could do something to help ya, but I just don't know what to do. I'm pretty helpless way over here in NC. Maybe this relationship isn't good for either one of you. Maybe her moving out there was a bad idea. It sounds like neither one of you is getting what you need out of the relationship and you need to just end it and stop the suffering. She's miserable and so are you. Why torture each other if that's the case? Just pull the bandaid off quickly and start the hurting process so the healing can begin eventually. If I have the wrong impression here and this is worth saving, that call is up to you. I just haven't heard anything positive really thus far about how things are going for you two. Seems to be downhill all the way. People often idealize someone they love when they aren't around to remind them of all the truly horrible things they do on a routine basis that makes actually living with them impossible. I think the both of you did that and then reality set in once she moved in with you and you both are miserable.
How far off am I?
I sold everything I could, made about $1000 to support her with (not much, that goes quick), planned to keep making more enough to take out a loan and get a foreclosed home for ~$50,000
It didn't end up working out that way. Her dad is not such a good guy, terribly unstable, massive drug and alcohol problems, abusive, bad memories in that house for her. She got an offer from another friend to come stay with them for free in exchange for watching their two girls while they were at work 8-5 mon-fri. She wanted to get out of her dad's house so she took it.
That didn't go so well, then she was in a spot where she couldn't get a job, her friends are her have pretty much fallen out over the way the whole situation went, it wasn't what they said it would be and ALSO they had a plan to move away to Salt Lake City which they neglected to mention until very recently. They are packing up now to move, so she has nowhere to go. Her dad's again was her last resort, but he's losing the house and moving to wisconsin with his parents who both have cancer. I think the plan is to wait for them to die and live in that house.
Right now the best option is to live with her recent ex's mother here in town...not ideal, obviously, and she still doesn't have money to pay for rent or food, has no transportation besides me to be able to work.
sorry to read of your pain
i think you need to chill .. a whole lot of chill
and while you chill .. you need to REALLY chill, not just find quiet time to think yourself deeper into this tailspin ... stay away from drugs and alcohol for awhile too
i am all about relationships being built on a foundation of two healthy independent people ... emotionally independent, psychologically independent, financially independent, socially independent, intellectually independent, etc ... when these two people choose to become interdependent in a way that makes the whole greater than the sum of its parts, then it is a healthy relationship
i dont mean that to be as high a bar as it sounds .. and lord knows my 23 yr marriage is not always, and has probably never totally been, exactly that .. but consider it a model to aspire to ..
it doesnt sound to me like either you or this girl are there yet
and you have a child - you gotta be there for the little one ... that's the 'man up' part ...
so i am recommending you separate from this girl ... you tell her that you are not in the right head space, either alone or together with her ... tell her you hope she finds peace and stability as you are going off in search of the same ... you cant help her in your state - you can barely help yourself .. and you trying to help here might be keeping her from forming her own independence
then work on yourself
then worry about a relationship with a healthy independent person some time later on
and for yourself, get some help, bro ... look for some free counseling services .. you need to get a solid base built up inside you to prepare for a healthier future
Last edited by tone4days; 09-05-2010 at 12:53 PM.
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Is it not the glory of the people of America that, whilst they have paid a decent regard to the opinions of former times and other nations, they have not suffered a blind veneration for antiquity, for custom, or for names, to overrule the suggestions of their own good sense, the knowledge of their own situation, and the lessons of their own experience?" - James Madison - Federalist #14