Your Favorite Joke Of All Time?

[JollyRoger523]

Two old friends run into each other at a bar one night. They stay until closing time and are both two sheets to the wind. One has recently married only a few months ago. As the bar closes the newly wed male tells his old friend that he is going to be in deep trouble with his wife for staying out so late.

He explains "I just don't get it. Every time I stay out late I drive home and turn the car off a block away. I coast into the driveway and don't enter the garage so she won't hear me. I take off my shoes outside so my footsteps don't wake her up. Then I take off all my clothes downstairs. Next I try sneaking into bed like I was just returning from using the bathroom. She always wakes up and yells at me all night long. Every time I start to fall asleep she just starts screaming at me again. It's terrible she won't let me get any sleep and then she expects me to be up early in the morning."

His friend, who has been married for several years, tells him "You are doing it all wrong. I speed down my street with my engine revving. I fly into my driveway with my tires squealing. I slam the front door shut as hard as I can and stomp up the stairs. Next I throw open the bedroom door and make a running jump onto the bed. Then I smack her across the ass and say 'I hope you're as horny as I am'. She just lays there and pretends she's sleeping."

[JollyRoger523]

A recovering alcoholic swears to his wife that he'll never drink again. He keeps his promise for several months. One night, after a bad day at work, he stops by his favorite Irish pub. "Just one" he tells himself. One turns into a few, and a few turn into many. The man stays until closing time and decides it's time to go home and face his wife.

He stands up from the bar and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand back up only to fall again. "Just need some fresh air" he mumbles to the bar tender and then crawls to the door. He pulls himself up in the door way and takes a few deep breaths of air. He then falls flat on his face again. The man keeps crawling a little bit by little bit. Every time he tries to stand up he just falls over again. He finally crawls all of the way home. He stops and the front door and takes several deeps breaths. He is sure that his wife is waiting on the other side, ready to divorce him for breaking his promise.

He enters the house but his wife is nowhere to be seen. He finds a note on the table that reads "I hope you had a good day at work. I had to go to my parents' house for an emergency. I'll be home in the morning. Love you." The man can't believe it. He was sure he was heading for divorce and now his wife will never have to know that he broke his promise.

The following morning his wife wakes him up with a kiss. The man is sure that he is safe. She then yells "I hope you had fun last night you lying son of a b!tch". The man tries to tell her excuse after excuse and swears that he didn't drink. His wife says "The bartender called. You left your wheelchair at the bar last night!"

[Lucid_Lunatic]

A Polak, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink. The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Learys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness."

The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini's with every third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table."

The Polak said "That sounds fine but if we go to Kowalski's we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid."

"That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you actually been there?"

"No," the Polak replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."

[Lucid_Lunatic]

There was this guy who had been to about every bar in town. So one night, he hopped into a taxi cab and told the driver to take him to the best bar in town. The cabby took him to a bar, where he got half-drunk. He hopped into the same cab and said that the bar wasn't good enough -- take him to another one. The cabby took him to another bar, where the guy had the time of his life.

The next morning, this guy was in yet another bar telling his buddy what a good time he had the night before, but he couldn't remember where he was. All he could remember was they had the best sounding orchestra and band he had ever heard and golden toilet seats.

"Man, we gotta find this place," said his buddy.

So the two spent half the day calling every bar in the phone book asking if they had golden toilet seats. They called the last bar and asked the bartender if they had an orchestra playing and if his bathroom had golden toilet seats.

The bartender hollered to the back, ""Hey Fred, I think I found the son of a b!tch who sh!t in your tuba."

[Jet-Jaguar]

A conceited man and a conceited woman are enjoying each other's private company. The conceited woman yells "ooo baby, ain't I tight!" The conceited man just says "nah baby, you're just full."

Two conceited guys are walking home from a bar. The road they're on leads to bluffs, and a bridge which passes over a river. Hearing the sound of the river running, after drinking so much beer, makes the guys need to pee. They each pee off opposites of the bridge, so the other can't see their package. Conceited guy #1 says "Man, this river water sure is cold." Conceited guy #2 says "yeah, and it's deep, too."

These jokes are ancient, but keep bringing me smiles because I'll see something in life that reminds me of them.