Your Friend's 59: a Theoretical

[Empty Pockets]

Let's say you have an old, trusted childhood friend

Lots of other mutual friends, shared memories good and bad, semi-family kind of friend

And you know where he lives, when he works, etc

And where he keeps his all-original 1959 Les Paul Standard burst

How and when do you kill him, get the instrument, and not get caught? Please be extremely specific.

Yes, this is a question about getting better guitar tone.

[JonnyG92]

Before I answer this... Have you tried asking him for it nicely? (And I'm a tone newbie, but how good can a 60yr old slab of wood be?)

[Agileguy_101]

how good can a 60yr old slab of wood be

There's only one way to find out...


Sleep with Ron Jeremy.

[Jason_Clement]

Snap the Les Paul in half just to spite him and move out of country ASAP.

[ItsaBass]

Some friend!

[Jeremiah]

Ask to play the guitar for 5 minutes. If your tone isn't so good that he immediately decides to give it to you, you need to practice more rather than spend time dreaming about gear.

[Archer_of_Fish]

Let's say you have an old, trusted childhood friend

Lots of other mutual friends, shared memories good and bad, semi-family kind of friend

And you know where he lives, when he works, etc

And where he keeps his all-original 1959 Les Paul Standard burst

How and when do you kill him, get the instrument, and not get caught? Please be extremely specific.

Yes, this is a question about getting better guitar tone.

hmm

I wouldn't kill him or steal his guitar

[zenmindbeginner]

Wait until Halloween, convince him to go to a haunted house. Follow him there in a costume and kill him inside of the haunted house just when something frightening and chaotic happens. You'll be wearing a costume and nobody will find his dead body if you leave it among some other horror props and get out as quickly as possible.

Pretty clean if you can snap a neck with your bare hands really quickly. Don't even think about stabbing, 'cause humans take too long to kill in real life (they die quick in the movies).

Or, get some sort of three or four hour poison and apply it to the end of a very sharp but pointed metal object and just sort of prick him with it when you bump into him in the line during a scary part. he will go like, "Owww!" but just say in a disguised voice, "My bad." and keep moving on. He'll forget about it and the poison will start to work when he's on his way home.

Just wear latex gloves... I have no idea about how to get the guitar though.

This information is for novelty purposes only and should only be used in a script for a new thriller.

[Boogie Bill]

I think a clean 1959 Standard Sunburst Les Paul would fetch around $300,000 in todays market.

I've seen people killed over a whole lot less.

Buy a nice '59 Historic LP, pre-2012, for about $4,500. They might not be vintage, but they are wonderful guitars. Then again, I've seen people killed over a whole lot less.

Perhaps is it better to be green with envy, than yourself become a murder victim.

Bill

[MetalManiac]

I think a clean 1959 Standard Sunburst Les Paul would fetch around $300,000 in todays market.

I've seen people killed over a whole lot less.

Buy a nice '59 Historic LP, pre-2012, for about $4,500. They might not be vintage, but they are wonderful guitars. Then again, I've seen people killed over a whole lot less.

Perhaps is it better to be green with envy, than yourself become a murder victim.

Bill

A beat to hell one maybe for 300K. Thing is, they dont come up for sale anymore. Not the best ones, they are all taken.Anyway, Arsenic..trust me on this.

[crusty philtrum]

This sounds like a job for your very best pointy stick.

[Wattage]

Yipes it's just a guitar

[crguti]

get a 59' epiphone and swap the guitars... perhaps your friend won't even notice the difference.

[zenmindbeginner]

This sounds like a job for your very best point(ed) stick.

Or a BINAHNAH

[GuitarStv]

This is a ten step proceedure.

1 - Buy a gas mask from an army surplus. Buy a replacement charcoal filter for the gas mask online (the ones that come with the masks are often in poor condition).
2 - Buy several gallons of Chlorox ammonia bleach, and Windex. Also a 7lb sledgehammer, some plastic garbage bags, some tape, and a hacksaw with replacement blades.
3 - Put your purchases in a backpack and go over to your friends house for a few beers.
4 - During the evening, excuse yourself for a few minutes to go to the bathroom. While in the bathroom, put on the mask, mix (all but two cups of) the bleach and all of the windex to form mustard gas, and pick up the hammer.
5 - While your friend is choking/crying from the mustard gas, hit him several times in the head with the sledgehammer.
6 - Drag your friend to the bathroom and into the bath tub. Turn on all exhaust fans in the house to help clear the air, and open any windows at the rear of the house.
7 - Use the hack saw to cut your friend into small pieces and bag them with the plastic bags you brought. Carefully tape them shut, then double bag them and tape those bags shut.
8 - By the time you're finished this the house should be clear of gas. Remove the gas mask.
9 - Use the remaining cup of bleach to scour any areas of the house that may have blood on them.
10- Pick up the guitar, put it in it's case, and exit the house. Put your friend's body parts in your freezer. Over the next few weeks, eat the meat and run the bones through your garbage dispenser. Larger bones must be hacksawed into smaller pieces to fit properly.

EDIT - This is how I would do it. . . theoretically.

[jcthejester13]

Slip him some hemlock. You will have to dispose of the body though because that stuff will show up IMMEDIATELY on a toxicology report.

Strip him of all of his clothes, shave the body, pull the teeth, throw him in a bag, weight the bag with a tire, throw bag in a river at least 200 miles away.

Nature will take care of the rest.

Done.

[bluesbend]

You go to his house and start drinking and talking guitar. He eventually brings out the 59, when he's well on his way to being lit you make a call and tell him Hurricane Gussie is on her way over to show him a good time. After they retire to the bedroom you case up the 59 and leave knowing that nobody can survive the Hurricane.
He dies of 'natural' causes, the guitar is yours.
















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[Myaccount876]

A beat to hell one maybe for 300K. Thing is, they dont come up for sale anymore. Not the best ones, they are all taken.Anyway, Arsenic..trust me on this.

Yeah I was going to say 300K is a bit too low for a 59 LP. There was one going on Ebay that wasn't in too bad shape but not the best going for 500K. It isn't listed anymore though because Joe Bonamossa keeps on buying every '59 Les Paul left.

Lols experience with arsenic? Grant's Kills Ants is the best easily obtainable arsenic.

[stratsandaks]

J Geils' '59 has been up for sale with a buy it now of $250k for quite a while now. Not sure the market is what it used to be.

http://www.ebay.com/sch/i.html?_saca...els+les&_rdc=1

[Myaccount876]

J Geils' '59 has been up for sale with a buy it now of $250k for quite a while now. Not sure the market is what it used to be.

http://www.ebay.com/sch/i.html?_saca...els+les&_rdc=1

I have a feeling that is going to be there forever. Unless I become rich.